So I just saw the Jane Austen Book club movie today and it was really good! There was actually a plot to it exciting enough for me to be interested. I usually don't watch movies in the 500 channels but this movie caught my attention because I like Jane Austen so much.

Throughout the movie the people are asking themselves the real meaning behind Jane's books. In Sense and Sensibility, they're wondering why Colonel Brandon(Old guy) goes after Marianne and not her mother, who's closer to his age. They argue that Marianne was looking for marriage and love, while her mother was perfectly content with her domestic responsibilities as their mother. In this case, was being content in her situation a bad thing?

She could have been happier with Colonel Brandon, because she'd be remarried and have an easier life. But what she really wanted was for her daughters to get married and be happy. Did she benefit from this? Certainly she was happy with her daughters resulting marriages, but were people s content back then? It really does make me wonder. Was it just the mothers part in life to think only of her children and their marriages after her husbands death, or did that really please Mrs. Dashwood?

I know it's possible to gain happiness from an event that benefits someone else when it should have benefited you, because that's happened to me before. I had met this guy at a friends birthday party, and we hit it off. It was very exciting for me because something like that had never happened to me before. So we talked every day for a week on the phone and IMing. He asked if I wanted to go ice skating with him and his friend Saturday. I went, and it was pretty boring. Then we went to a movie, he met my friend Katie, and started flirting with her. He asked for her number, and ended up leaving before I did, leaving me alone in the dollar theater at 11 PM. I thought I was going to get raped lol.

My friend said she fell madly in love with him, and decided to start dating him right away. Of course I was mad as anything at her, and she kept asking if I ws mad and I said it was fine. But it ended up I was happier, because a month later I started dating my current boyfriend, Richard, and I'm crazy about him. I also needed the time off from boys in general anyways,becuase I had become much too attached to the idea of having a boyfriend. So I ended up getting the better of that situation. The boy dumped Katie a month or so later for a girl 5 years younger than him with the same name as her.

I don't know if those situations are too similar, and Mrs. Dashwood probably didn't end up with someone better, but that's the only situation that's happened to me where I can think of possibly being happier because someone else took the supposed happiness that was supposed to be yours.

 It's true. I've figured it out.
It's been all drama this year. Ever since August. Bang. I'm a teenager, drama and all.I had the most peaceful, happy,quietest life ever up until August this year. I was in love with the greatest guy I had ever met. I wanted to marry him, have his kids, be with him forever, the whole lot. But somewhere along the way, he became my only happiness. I needed him. Without him, I was too bored and didn't know what to do with myself.
He started going to a different school this year, and I flipped. I had recently signed my life away to marching band and I hated every minute of it. I could feel us drifting apart. He was too busy for a girlfriend this year. And he said we had both changed too much.
We broke up in October. About 10 days later, I started going out with his best friend. It wasn't the smartest choice, I know, but the grief was tearing me up inside and I needed more than anything someone to cushion my fall. I liked him alot, but I never told him I loved him because I was still in love with my ex. We dated for about 3 months, then one night while I was over at his house he asked me for...well, oral. I said ew, no way and then he just decided to stick with asking for sex. I refused as nicely as I could, I laughed at him a little, made fun of him for asking when my mom was going to be there in like 5 minutes and his mom being upstairs, stuff like that. But that struck a nerve and it made me wonder what on earth I was doing in a relationship with someone who thought we would do that. (Though there wasn't really any danger of him just going on with it because I taught him everything he knew. I was his second kiss in his whole life. So I guess this was partially my fault)
I was still in love with my ex. So a week later, late on a friday night, I broke up with him. Over Facebook I'm sad to say. He promised to always be my friend. I still liked him, and wondered how long it would be before we would be going out again.
Then there was treachery. He asked out my best frend Sunday night that same weekend. I was in shock. I was mad but I didn't know what to do about it. I mentioned it to her, that I wish she would have told me first before they started going out.She brushed it off.About, o, say, a few weeks into their relationship me and T started flirting and teasing each other about cheating on his gf. He wanted to,and I admit, I kinda wanted to also, but we both knew it was wrong so we didn't. Then, after about 2 weeks of that, the boy suddenly grows a conscience and runs to his gf saying I told him I was going to try and break them up.
So now, they've been going out a month. I was his longest relationship,3 months, so I'm wondering how long they'll last. For some aggravating reason, I still like the guy, and would go out with him again. But recently he's been ignoring me more and more, kinda like haha I have a gf so I don't need to be friends with you.It makes me mad. Me and my friends at the lunch table still don't know if she really likes him or just wants a bf really bad. They've already said they love each other. Hah. They don't know the meaning of the word. Love is not a feeling you have for the one that just happens to be there, or something easy. It's not an emotion you get when you agree with everything they say, or just something you feel when they're being nice and you're close to them
It's uncontrollable. Love doesn't care what's easiest, it doesn't care if it would be better for you both if it wasn't there. Love exists even when everything has ended and all there is left is memories of when you were both in love. Love never ends.Even when you wish it would.
So here I am, sharply aware of every twitch of anger, every time I annoy someone. I know neither of them want anything to do with me any more. One has lost their love for me, the other never had any in the first place no matter what they felt. I wish I wasn't so aware of this pain. I wish I could forget it and be happy. But every day, there are memories brought back up. Now more than ever, I am more aware of how foolish I was to lose myself to love. My emotions are buzzing around my head and all I want to do is sleep and forget it all. Being jealous,and angry makes me feel so dirty. I hate those emotions. So I push them aside. And then something happens to remind me of what's happening and I'm scatter brained again. Ah, the joy of living. And I have 60 more years to look forward to. Time to toughen up.

I feel free and alive. I was downstairs, waiting for Nikko to get here so we could hang out and then go to a bonfire down the street when a show came on the fitness channel called Shimmy. It's a show about how to belly dance. For exercise..........Yeah I didn't believe it either. So I said hey,why not? I got up and started dancing along with them, which is a miracle in itself for me, because I'm a stiff person in general. It felt so invigorating. I felt free and a little sexy, which is a first for me. Maybe this year I'll learn to become more fun and sexy.
I'm changing so much. I can feel it. I'm losing my innocence to the world. I've never cursed in my life, and I don't think I ever will. I don't say the name of certain body parts because it makes me feel too awkward. I don't think I'll ever start smoking because it's bad for you. But then I wonder, what if I fall along the way? What if I lose my virginity?
I'm scared to death. Because somewhere along the way, a part of me was lost. I don't want to be a virgin any more. I'm safe for now, so maybe by the time I'm confronted with that decision I'll say no. But right now, I don't know what I would say. I'll be 17 in 2 months. That's not a bad age for such a thing. But then again, I was always taught and agreed with that that was saved for marriage. Is my sense of freedom getting to my head? I can't just do whatever I want and expect no consequences. If I live for having fun, then I will have many regrets and at the end of it I would have lived for nothing at all. I know now the only I think is worth living for is living for God and living to help other people. The more I think about myself and my needs, the sadder I get.
I've learned to put others feelings before my own. I'm trying not to let anyone step all over me, but that's not working so far.
About a week ago, I really liked this guy. He called me a few times a day, he was really sweet. The nicest guy I had ever talked to in a while. We went to see a movie saturday night and I was expecting him to ask me out. That's when he met my friend who works at the theater. She texted me saying he's hot, I approve. He read it, took my phone, texted her wanna see a movie with us, and then can I have your number? He called her a ton, told her he didn't think of me that way, and he's going out with her now. And they're going to Junior senior ( our version of prom). I told her I wasn't mad at her. And I'm not. I'm mad at him. Annoyed at her. It's kinda like no one cares if anything hurts my feelings any more.
ah well. I'm going to be happy. I'm determined.